Fitness Trainer

(Two fitness trainers are at opposite sides of stage. A bench with rack of "weights" is center stage. Weight plates are huge, and should be made out of Styrofoam, and painted black.)

DAN:
I'm looking for a fitness trainer.

TRAINER1:
You've come to the right place. I am the world's foremost Spiritual fitness trainer. Looks like you're not a moment too soon!

DAN:
That's great. You see it's been a while since I've done any working out and I've just plain gotten out of shape.

TRAINER1:
I know how that can happen, but if you have faith, I think we can get you to the level you want to reach.

DAN:
Ok, when do we start?

TRAINER1:
No point in waiting any longer. You need help, and you need help now.

DAN:
Alright, uh... what do I do first?

TRAINER1:
First you need to bow your head.

DAN:
Okay.

TRAINER1:
Lord, you who are our strength, send your power down to my brother here, that his fitness level shall rise up to dwell in Heavenly places. There you ought to feel a bit built up now. Right?

DAN:
Well, I don't know, I guess I...

TRAINER1:
Well, let's find out. (Points to bench)

DAN:
But I haven't done any...

TRAINER1:
Hey we've prayed, right?

DAN:
Yeah, but...

TRAINER1:
You've got faith, right?

DAN:
Yeah, but...

TRAINER1:
So get down there and see how many reps we're gonna get.

DAN:
Okay. (Lies on bench. Trainer1 helps lift bar onto his hands and it drops right down to his throat) Gaack! (Struggles, kicks feet in the air.)

TRAINER1:
(Lifts bar off Dan) Oops, looks like somebody's faith wasn't strong enough. C'mon let's give it another round of prayer.

DAN:
Is that all we're going to do is pray?

TRAINER1:
Oh heavens no. In a little while I'm gonna lay hands on you and then anoint you with oil. (Squirts oil can at him)

DAN:
But, what about a workout program?

TRAINER1:
What about your faith?

DAN:
You mean to tell me you want to pray me into being fit?

TRAINER1:
Of course.

DAN:
Just forget it! (Crosses stage to Trainer2)

TRAINER2:
Good day to you sir. What can I do for you?

DAN:
Well I've gotten into terrible shape over the years, and I need someone who can help design a program to get me back into shape.

TRAINER2:
I can do that.

DAN:
I want to build up my chest a little, and I want to get in good enough shape to run a marathon. And my biceps could sure use some work.

TRAINER2:
Ok, I can see we've got a lot of work to do. We'll start with bench press, then we'll do some power cleans, then some burn out sets of curls.

DAN:
Well, it has been a while and...

TRAINER2:
Next we'll go for a two mile run.

DAN:
Two miles?

TRAINER2:
Yeah, you're right. At least three or four.

DAN:
Three or four?

TRAINER2:
Hey, not to worry. I do this all the time. Just sit here, and rest. (Dan sits in chair, Trainer2 gets on bench and starts doing reps of bench press.)

DAN:
That's great, but when do I get started?

TRAINER2:
Hey now, remember how out of shape you are?

DAN:
Yeah, but...

TRAINER2:
So I'll do the workout for you. You just sit and rest. It's really too much for you to handle.

DAN:
But how am I supposed to...

TRAINER2:
Relax. You can't be expected to handle such a heavy load.

DAN:
This is ridiculous! I can't get in shape this way. I've got one nut who thinks he'll pray me into shape, and another who wants to do it all for me. What ever happened to giving me advise on how to work out, and then encourage me to do it, and hold me accountable not to slack off?
(Stalks off the stage)
(Trainers meet at center stage)

TRAINER1:
People sure have some strange ideas today.

TRAINER2:
Boy, you've got that right. C'mon why don't you pray for me while I do your workout for you?

TRAINER1:
Great idea!


Copyright © 2000 by Robert J. Lee

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